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By Holland Doezie

The future scares me.

Whenever I think about the future and what is to come, the only word to describe how I feel is anxious.

But who am I kidding? I’m always anxious.

Anxious that I will say the wrong thing. Anxious that I will mess up. Anxious that I will fail. Anxious that I’m not good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough. Anxious that I will let those I love down. Anxious for the changes in my life about to occur: leaving for college, having to meet new people, worried that they won’t like me.

Why do I feel like this?

And for as long as I can remember it’s always been there making me worry about irrational things. When I was little I’d be driving in the car with my mom, and would break out in tears anytime I saw a cop— worried they were going to take my mom. At the young age of 3 I told my mom I was too scared to have a baby because I didn’t want to get a “shot in the back”, and I just wanted to be an aunt. I asked my mom if I could live with her when I grow up because I always worried that when I would get my license my feet wouldn’t reach the pedal and I wouldn’t be able to find my way to costco. . . And the irrational anxiety continues today.

At the end of my senior year the anxiety was especially high as I prepared to graduate, to leave my family and home, and to start a new life at college. I felt like everything was coming too quick. Too much change was about to happen and I wouldn’t be able to deal with the stress of it all. I wasn’t happy with who I was and didn’t feel I was ready for it all. I remember one night praying, begging, crying to my Heavenly Father that I might feel His love for me and to know that He is aware of me and my struggles. I needed confirmation that everything would be all right and that there was good to come. I knew I had no reason to be unhappy because I am so extremely blessed and have everything I could ever ask for, yet I just didn’t feel like my normal, happy self.

“O ye, my people, lift up your heads and be comforted; for behold, the time is at hand, or is not far distant, when we shall no longer be in subjection to our enemies, notwithstanding our many strugglings, which have been in vain;”
– Mosiah 7:18

These were the single words highlighted in my scriptures as I opened it after crying on my knees to my Heavenly Father. The comfort I felt after reading these words was indescribable. In that moment I truly knew that the Lord really is aware of me and loves me. Oh how the power of prayer works! There is hope! My struggles won’t last much longer and again I am reminded that, compared to eternity, my trials are but a small moment in time.

Each day I wake up and have the choice to either let my fears get to me or to go on with my day trusting in the Lord. And I still get anxious, and I don’t know if I will ever not be anxious, but that’s okay. I have learned that I may not be able to change my circumstances but I can change my attitude. I have grown to be less concerned about what could go wrong and what my life is lacking and instead choose to be more grateful for what I have.

When the bad days come, I have learned to trust in the Lord. To have faith. I know that I am always going to go through trials, and I am ready to face whatever they might be. I trust that the Lord knows me and He knows what I can handle. It is through my faith in Him that I know everything is going to be okay. I have finally found peace.


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